confession?

Every single night I came back from homegroup, I had bad warfare within my heart, my brain,my soul and my feelings. An obvious fact that is I backslide on God,always. I dont know what and how does this word "backslide" actually mean to others, but for me, I did it. I thought He can not be a part of my life as there is no concrete true feelings of me towards Him. As time pass, on and off going to church, homegroups, I feel lost. I'm stuck in between the reality and God, out of track, getting further until now, completely blank with words of God. The more I get unfamiliar, the more I feel unsecured. Is this the feeling where people always mentioned? A hole, an emptiness or is it just pure guilt within me while I'm aware of things I know I should'nt be doing since then? I feel like praying but I can't find a way to feel the greatness of God. Why? Cancer took grandpa's life. Now watching grandma ageing, I feel like losing someone precious again. Lionel said God has His way but His way of greatness is just too harsh for me to accept it especially the new attack arise the old pain.

How if I choose to get in track, and I got to lose you? There's always consequences although we never want to admit. Not that we ignore now and it is not there anymore. It always exist, in my heart. Yes, it makes me struggle, makes me lost, makes me wanna cry. The more I grow, the more I make things clear, the more I cannot face the fact with what I really want cause the hardest part is doing decisions that would hurt myself, others, even you. Christianity? Reality? Selfishness? I don't know. Need some burst out. I seriously do need a shoulder, or simply a corner.




I often update silently,which I did not share on facebook. Even you are not the one who read this, I know there's people who care, and willing to finish all my posts either its short, long, chinese or english. Thank you for my dearly's message. It warms my heart. Sorry to make you all worry some times. Sorry for not following up your posts and keep myself update to you. But you know I too care about you guys, and my phone is always on , anytime you need me.(Although I reply late) I keep my promise to you, I can be weak and  fragile but I will stay strong, not to give up as well. 

With love,

Sze Min